Ah it was Friday night, a normal weekday night, apart from the fact that it did not seem like a weekday. I had worked less than 30 minutes in the day. Not because I had no work, in fact I was dying to work, but because there was no work assigned. That kinda slow work day. I am trying to lose weight, which well I have realized, is going to be a forever kind of thing for me. More on that some other day… I try to have my dinner early but today was one of those nights where I was like I am sorry cannot do it anymore and then went overboard with all kind of food I have in my house. It wasn’t until I called my mother and she was like ah, how are you? Are you bored? When I just burst into a million tears.

Yeah, I was fine until then but I guess mums always know. Just by the look on your face, they know. And yeah, this is a very first world problem. Sitting in a beautiful urban studio apartment, in one of the most developed countries in the world, have a six figure salary, found a job even in the current economy, love the new job, have a lot of time to spare and maintain that work life balance perfectly, in fact my manager tells me to stop working if he catches me working post 5, so you see, overall everything is good. And just boredom, is reason enough to bring tears? Well, you would argue it should not be. But you cannot understand what it’s like when you wake up, go through an entire day, and realize that you only hear your own voice when you make a phone call to your family back in India.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my own company. As you would all agree, I am very entertaining. I can write a book about what all I think about everyday. In fact, if you are in my life, I am sure I have thought about some parallel life scenario with you and have wondered how it would have played out, for sure. (I promise this is not as creepy as it sounds) My mind is funny, keeps me occupied all the time. And I am good at spending time with myself, I really am. But the fact is, sometimes, it does get to you.

Just the thought of oh it is a whole weekend, the following two days, what am I going to do? The idea of spending two whole days in that bed because you have no real friends in this new city, is dreadful. I thought if I go on trips (which I have been doing a lot recently, as y’all have noticed) it would be okay. But the thing is, one weekend trip does not solve the loneliness you feel for all the upcoming weekends.

Then, of course, the other part of me, my best friend (it is just the wiser version of me), who pulls me out of these spirals, said hello! She said, if you do not want a particular outcome, you have to put energy and effort in changing it. And this became one of the few times when I did end up listening to my wiser self, and for that I am grateful.

So, the next day, I suddenly woke up at 6 AM and rsvp’d to the meetup events I was debating whether to go or not. It was an urban hike. Yeah, sounds fancy, it was basically a walk in the city. Hike because the neighborhood we were walking in, was Mt Adams! It was so much fun. Walked for around 2.5 hours. Met and talked to around 10 new people. Had lunch with a few of them. Hopefully, going to go for hikes or volunteering events with a few of them. The crazy thing is, you never know. A hello, a random meeting, could make someone a very important person in your life, well, at least I have witnessed that multiple times now. A few random girls I met through Bumble BFF are people I am going on trips now. A random girl, sitting next to me on the flight to Cincy, is the one I would play Holi with in the coming week, would meet multiple times, and well plan on going to a Strawberry Festival with. Hopefully, I will follow through and keep in touch with at least some of these people.

Saturday ended with Dahi Puri, Dabeli and Rose Falooda. Yeah, I remember, I said I am trying to lose weight, maybe from Monday?

Again, the dreadful Sunday comes along. You would think a day with people and 25K steps would make sure Sunday would be brighter and nicer. But you wake up, and you find yourself going again into a spiral. It has not helped. I let a few moments pass and tell myself everything would be nice if you just took a bath, and did your laundry. And was I right? I WAS. Just not judging the moment, and letting it go away helped. This is again, something that Jay Shetty always says. “Don’t Judge The Moment.” Came in handy. And somehow, I was back to my dancing self in like 30 minutes.

Decided I do not want to spend the day at home, doing nothing. I walked to a local Starbucks near me, caught a movie “Love Again” starring the boss lady herself PC, crying and being hopeful about love, and then reading a book and writing this blog.

I have grown to understand that you can almost never change how you are feeling, but sometimes, maybe sometimes, there is a chance of changing what you are doing about it.

To all my friends, who will read this and might possibly be like, oh god, I hope you are okay or like really, this is what she’s feeling? Either way, I have to tell you. I am okay. Okay to not be okay. And I am coping. I have recognized not having company out of choice is very different than not having company at all. Some nights I wonder, if I was ever grateful when I had all the company I could ever need? I wonder if I ever thought to myself, when I was back in India, and I was sleeping in a room with both my parents and my little sister, what a wonderful gift this is! But then again, I know when I am 80 years old, and I do not really have anyone who is interested in knowing what I have to say, I will be good at being with myself. I will be good at finding things to do, finding hobbies, finding interests.

I have all my meals alone, walk all my walks alone, watch all movies alone, go to Starbucks alone, and sometimes, there is no beauty in that. Other times, I cook pancakes which are burnt, shaped like a country’s map, and still choose to have them. I get to listen to birds on my walks. I watch embarrassing movies or the same movie a million times, and cry after the same scene for the millionth time and do not rub off or control my tears, you see it is liberating. I go to Starbucks and just sit there watching random youtube videos during people watching. And there has to be a lot of beauty in that.

Anyway, I have rambled on and on. Hope you had a wonderful weekend, and if not, well, now you know, it is not necessary to have one!

Categories: Journal

Feya Shah

Living life one day at a time and on the side, telling you about it!