Well, hello again! To the two people who actually missed reading this :p, I missed you too! So a lotttt has happened over the last almost two months. A lottttttt would also be an understatement.
Before beginning my blabber, I would like to tell you this would be deeply personal (and very long). Somehow it just felt important to share. If you know me, oversharing is kind of my thing. And also, if I am talking about all the fun and exciting things, it is only fair to talk about the bad parts as well.
23rd Nov 2022, out of nowhere, with no apparent warning, I have a 1-1 with my manager, which was supposed to be just a normal weekly 1-1 and instead I was informed that I am not performing at the level that is needed and I am supposed to work on improving my performance or else …. Well, I don’t think I need to mention, but I was shocked, appalled, devastated (you can insert 50 more similar adjectives here). The worst part of it all, I cried, in that meeting!!! I need to get better at hiding what I feel, be better at being professional.
What was even worse? I was supposed to go to India on 26th Nov. Just 3 days later. Actually, I was going to go shop some gifts for my family post work on 23rd. If only I knew, God had different plans. I was looking forward to going to India, I always do. My family was looking forward to have me there, obviously. And then post this call, I called my parents, at 530 AM, waking them up and crying hysterically saying that I will not be able to come on 26th. But, it was my father’s 50th birthday and well, I had been planning that for around 2ish months and I was not ready to give that up. So I rescheduled my flight to visit India just for a week and looking back, best decision ever.
With the market at the time, everyone told me to mostly forget about this job, and focus on finding a new job. That would be the right way to go. But I was so damn attached to this job. It was my first internship here in US and I still remember how happy I was when I first got in. I worked very hard that summer and got a full time job offer there itself and I did not even try to apply anywhere else. I was so freaking happy. I have saved everything I did get (which was not much) from the company (that includes cups, raincoats, cards, and a lot more). At the time, getting an internship in this company was huge, getting a return offer was amazing and it felt perfect. And I was not quite ready for giving it all up. So I did work as much as possible along with interviewing. Interviewing, yeah I have not done that since I would say, around 3 years. I got the internship on Nov 1st 2019, and have not interviewed since. I have given two interviews in my entire time finding internships and not one for a full time offer. So you can imagine, interviewing was super intimidating.
On top of that, I broke my work laptop right before leaving for India. Yeah, when things have to go bad, they go bad in all kinds of ways. It meant a week of trying to set up the new laptop, setting up all the internal tools and ugh, it is basically, a lot of work.
And I started applying everywhere, to any job I could see. Talked to anyone and everyone I knew, tried to get as many referrals I could get. Got some interviews cancelled, got some interview calls, screwed up half of them and never received replies from a million companies.
So, it was a tough time, as you might have guessed.
But the keyword in the above sentence is, it “was”.
I finally did find a job and it is before I have been legally terminated from the old company. I love love the new company. The people are amazing, super super helpful (I know how important that is now). The interview process was amazing. It is a startup. They are building a new product from scratch. I would get the opportunity of working on a completely new product from the ground up with people who seem to be a lot of fun. I do have to move, which is annoying, very difficult and scary, considering I do not know a single person in that city. But I am super excited. New chapter, new adventure!
I have a little less than a month to meet everyone I know here (which are a lot of people, now that I think of), to take a small vacation because I deserve it, to leave the city I have been living in for the last 1.5 years, find an apartment in the new city, sell off all my furniture, pack my bags and move forward to a new adventure. Seattle has given me a lot, a lot of experiences, a lot of new people, a lot of memories and I loved every bit of it. I love rains, so that too was not much of a problem. But yeah, time to bid goodbye. Definitely not for a long time, I will keep visiting but it would not be home anymore.
This experience has taught me a lot.
Firstly, as said earlier, I am very bad at hiding my emotions. Need to get a hold on those tears. I expect people to be a little more sympathetic when all they need to be is professional. This quote helped : “No one owes you anything.”
I could be wrong, but I expect people who are in a position of having the responsibility of managing people’s careers or in the unfortunate position of delivering the “You’ve lost your job” bad news to people (especially in the market economy right now), to be kinder. Saying “you are fired”, without keeping your video on, without saying a sentence of “I hope you would be fine”, ending that meeting in 10 mins, speaks a lot about the company culture and how much you wanted the candidate to win. It is almost like breaking up over a text after a relationship, lol the analogy is real. I guess I would always choose to be kind, now that I have been on the other side.
The other thing I learnt about myself is, once something happens, I go into the let’s get out of it mode, which is super helpful but also super taxing. I do not like to process what happened, I do not give myself the time to do it. I do not take a weekend off or even a day off. I am on it, all times, at every moment. This does not mean that I am prepping all day, unfortunately. It means that my mind is not stopping at 2 AM, in fact it is running at it’s full speed. I am worrying about anything and everything. And the only way to sleep is listening to some kind of sleep meditation. Getting 4-5 hours of sleep everyday. This also means, I meet my friends less, start sitting at home more often. Isolate myself as much as I can. Also, I stop doing everything I remotely consider fun or important for my sanity. Uninstalled instagram, snapchat. Stopped writing this blog. Stopped reading. Was physically unable to go to the gym.
So, as you can guess, getting this job has been a real victory. I have always been “lucky” in most phases of life. I was “lucky” when I scored a certain percentage in 10th in spite of roaming around all day. I was “lucky” when I got into my undergraduate college in spite of how little I was studying. I was “lucky” when I got the internship at the old company and did not have to go through the job finding process. But this time I was just “lucky” I worked really, really hard.
One more thing, I now, definitely know, is that I have a very good support system and a really good amount of nice people who are always there for me. Very, very grateful for them always. And my parents and sister, they are my rock, with me through thick and thin, always. It is nice to be reminded that what you’ve done so far is amazing, and they are already proud.
Also, I have realized so much of my self-esteem and worth was based off on my job. As international students, so much of our life circles around a job that it gets very very difficult to not let these kind of things affect how talented you think you are. I realized how much I had taken the position I was in, the job that I had, for granted. Basically as Andy says, “I wish there was a way to know you were in the good old days before you actually left them.“ I did not realize how perfect my life was before it became imperfect. I had a well paying job, where I was getting to work on some cool features, I was in the best shape of my life, I had made so many new friends, I was reading as I have always wanted to, I had a blog that I was writing, I was doing all kinds of weird / new things. Everything was so damn perfect and I did not take a minute to notice how perfect it was. And that sucks! We need to take some more mental pictures of the good times! They really come in handy.
And lastly, I have realized, with how easily I am ready to uproot myself from Seattle, I totally believe in “In Omnia Paratus“. I jump in, eyes closed, praying with all my might, and hoping there is some parachute or at least the ground is soft. I am all game for new adventures. In terms of level up in challenges, my first challenge was to live without my parents in a different continent, next challenge was to live alone and now this challenge is the craziest of it all, living in a completely new city, all alone, with not one person I know of. It is going to be crazy. Netflix is going to be my best friend. Might have to settle with no Indian friends or no person to talk to for a while. No car, so well, stuck to the apartment at least for some months. Well, I don’t know. Tons of things could happen. But right now, this feels like the right thing to do. I do not have the energy and motivation left to look for a better job where I do not have to relocate, and also it feels wrong ethically since there are so many people still looking for a job. Also, I am really fascinated and intrigued by how I am going to be responding to this change. So, all in at this point.
Okay, I have blabbered.
Now, the last thing I do wish to say, for everyone and anyone who is going through something similar to this, give it your best and let the universe conspire the rest. Hang in there. Do it the way you would want to do it. 5 years later, looking back at this time, you will only be proud and happy. These are tough times. I would advise against asking the “Why me?” question. It does not help. The only logical answer to it is that God will not give you more than you can handle. So, although your manager / company does not see your potential, God does and he knows you would be okay. And it is only a matter of time, “This too shall pass”.
On a fun note, this song really helped. Also if nothing else, you can imagine me, jamming on these songs atleast twice a day to keep my spirits up and if that does not make you laugh, I don’t know what else will. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khqiC4HHccQ, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOEL8Q-2bSo, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiKfmRE8vUk). I could share more but I realize I am doing the oversharing thing again.
So, if I did manage to keep you reading till here, I am very glad. Evidence that I am interesting against popular opinion. More coming up on the moving thing, new adventures / mishaps related to that, on that vacation that is more than required right now, and on life in general. Thank you so much for reading this, and be ready for some spamming. Until next time!
Categories: Uncategorized
Feya Shah
Living life one day at a time and on the side, telling you about it!
Great perseverance! Keep going….