Yes, it is finally happening. Cannot believe this is happening. It has been around 4 years and approximately a month since I moved here. If you were to tell me 4 years ago that this is happening, I would have believed it in a second. But somewhere in these past 4 years, I kept losing the confidence of this actually happening. I was absolutely confident about moving back, but during the last four years, things kept changing, life took several (dramatic) turns, but as Geet from Jab We Met says, “Mujhe toh lagta hai ki jo kuch bhi insaan real mein chahta hai, actual mein usko life mein vahi milta hai.” Toh shayad, main real mein chahti thi, actual mein, to move back to India, and the universe conspired and made it happen.

You know, the past four years have been extremely challenging, demanding, and difficult. But at the same time, they have been incredibly beautiful, lovely, and exciting. 7th August 2019, when I was leaving with my 3 bags to depart on this journey, all of my extended family was at the airport. And to say, that we created a scene would be an understatement. Almost everyone cried, including all my uncles and aunts, cousins and almost everyone close to me was present to bid goodbye. I had cut my hair short, hoping somehow this would mean a new me and would help me in the new start, realizing that nothing really helped. I was crying quite a bit myself.

But as soon as I went in, things were different. I could not cry anymore considering you have to do all the checking in and boarding. Looking back, I think this journey does that to you. One minute you are crying and sad about leaving your country, and the other minute you realize how high the stakes are and you have to put up a good show if you want to win.

Since then, this journey has been filled with a solid amount of phenomenal ups and miserable downs.

I am happy to report that during my 2 years of Masters program, I was always doing some or the other odd jobs. Sometimes, sitting in a library, where my only job was to do some 3D printing. Sometimes, I would be grading students for a course I had no knowledge about. Sometimes, working as a software developer in C# for a college project and sometimes, developing a website on wordpress. You know, most of these jobs were not even closely related to how the real jobs would be, but they were so much fun. I had never felt the thrill of paying for my own expenses. It is crazy how pampered and sheltered I was, considering I never had a budget to work with. I have to tell you, those initial rushes of buying yourself a new phone, a new laptop, tickets to India, presents for everyone back in India, is delightful.

If you were to ask me, what the biggest take away from the 2 years at USC was, I would say, the fact that “anything can happen”. Literally, anything. The first instance of this, was when I won a mug at the USC orientation event. Yeah it seems trivial but I cannot tell you what it meant to me. It was like a lucky draw situation. And I won!! I have kept that mug with me till date (even after it fell and broke it’s handle). It is a reminder for me that you never know, anything could happen, literally anything. The second instance was when I got a summer internship at Amazon. I had just randomly applied, and I randomly got in. That internship turned to a full time job. I got a job which would make a difference to my resume and my life for years to come, only because one day I woke up, and said, what the heck, “Zyada se zyada kya karenge? Reject hi karenge na. It’s fine.”

After USC, I moved to Seattle. Lived around 1.5 years there. The biggest lesson in this time? I have learned that you cannot rely on anyone, but yourself. I moved to a city with a lot of known faces, but I realized friendship requires more than familiarity. I went to parties, gatherings, where I felt more alone than I used to feel inside my studio apartment. I never knew, I could feel like that. I realized that your closest friends, the kindest person you have ever known and the one true love of your life, can all leave you in a second. I guess we live in a world, where relying on other people is only going to lead you to disappointment. And where you want to live, US or India, could change who you spend your life with. I don’t really like the idea of making in health and in sickness promises, when we cannot even support life choices. We live in a generation like that, all believing that somehow our professional growth would cover for some heart breaks along the way. And I hope we are all right about that.

And guess who was with me through this whole time? My family, obviously, no points for guessing. They are always my first phone call, whether I am happier than I have ever been when I got a full time job offer, or I am crying hysterically after a break up. They are my first phone call when I am unable to sleep at 2 am and also, the only people in this whole wide world who I would dare to call at 5 am and wake them up from their deep sleep. They are the people I can be my worst version with.

You know, everyone living abroad misses family. And I know we miss them during Rakhi and Diwali, during Ganesh Chaturthi and Holi, and during birthdays, anniversaries and the other big moments. But no one really prepares you for how much you are going to miss them in the million tiny moments. You know, like when there is a big insect in your house and you are shit scared and are secretly hoping that your father would throw it out because all you have ever done in these situations is stand on top of the couch. Or like when you are in your periods and in incredible pain, and all you want is for your mother to make that liquid thingy that she used to prepare and give it to you. It is crazy, that one day you are just on a regular phone call with them, and you reminisce that trip your father took the whole family for, or that one comfort dish your mom makes and you start crying. You realize you miss these small moments the most. You know the kind of love, which can bring a small tear in your eyes, the kind of love, which is stronger than every other form of love you have ever known, it is difficult to live without a love like that.

I have realized that in life, there are good times and there are bad times. During the good times, when life is going your way, it does not really matter where you are or who you are with. But during the bad times, your heart wants to be around the people who are happy to be there for you, at your lowest, to see you at your weakest.

People are always convincing you, telling you that, life is too short. But I think, life is too long (as is this blog post). There are so many more big moments to miss. And countless small moments. This has been the single most crucial reason for this move. I want to be there for the big moments, like when my cousin is getting married, and I also want to be there for the small ones, like for every doctor visit of my parents, for telling my sister that she looks the prettiest whatever she wears. I guess what I am trying to say is, my heart is happier when it is close to my family. And I have realized in all this, that all you gotta do, is keep your heart happy. That is your only job. Keeping your heart happy.

One more thing that happened during these four years, a moment when I thought God paused everything else that he was doing and focused only on what I wanted, was when my grandmother expired. She was in severe pain. My parents weren’t even telling me how serious it really was. And when I did come to know, I cancelled my New York trip and flew back to India, making that decision in 20 minutes. I boarded the flight holding the NavkarVadi in my hand, praying that she stays for another 24 hours. Just hoping that I get to see her, once. When I reached Mumbai, I visited her in the hospital straight from the airport. She did not recognize me that time because of her medicines. Next night, we got her back home. She recognized me by my name, and then the following morning, held my hand while taking her last breath. I know this derailed into quite a sad story, but for me, this has to be hands down the one moment that I felt completely blessed. Only possible because I did not have to worry about an H1B visa stamp. Only possible because I still had all my freedom.

During the last eight months I have lived in a city where I did not know anyone. I realized what being alone in the truest sense of the word could feel like. And all I had, was family. An instance when I felt super lucky was when my parents and my sister got their US Visa. I can tell you, honestly, there is nothing that can make you feel prouder than that instant. From my father holding all our passports diligently before all flights we ever took, to me planning entire single thing of our trip, we did come a long, long way. After they went back to India, the last two months were tough. Waking up at 530 – 6 am, giving interviews, working and then studying for interviews has been extremely difficult. Especially because you don’t have a soul to talk to. Imagine realizing before you are about to sleep, that all you have talked today is on that video call with your parents, and you have not spoken apart from that the whole day. Now imagine, weeks like that. Again, only because you don’t get to choose where you work here. You are on a visa, remember? I have come to realize I need more freedom than this in life.

And that is something, I would like to point out. While life here is cool and amazing, it is very restrictive. Loads of paperwork, continuously worrying about your visa situation. And on a different note, sad to report, but men in 2023 are not all that different, honestly. Maybe it is not about men or women. But I guess what I would like to say is, I have the courage to drop everything and return back if it is about my or even for my partner’s family, but I don’t know if my partner would do that for me (considering my parents don’t really have a son they are going to live with). It is scary, right?

There is one more factor for this move though. There is something about that damn beautiful three color flag of ours, which I am super proud of. I believe in the Indian dream. I believe India is going to crush it in the next decade or so. I don’t think India would ever be America. Because it does not need to. It is amazing enough in its own way. (If you don’t believe me, here are some podcasts : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67E7TwHJBQg, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSIC07gP2Aw)You know, the pride when India achieves big things like developing COVID vaccines and enforcing lockdown on a population of 1.4 billion people or Chandrayaan 3, or the teeny tiny ritual of standing up to Jana Gana Mana before watching a movie in theatres, I always miss that. I miss being an Indian. There is something about it. (Also, some songs I absolutely love and sometimes hear to when I miss my country a lot : https://open.spotify.com/track/1WX7IIJnUgpDaweRefaih0?si=96cfe9bbb35f44c2, https://open.spotify.com/track/6H6BgDPTlfRpTQZNckbjlk?si=c1bdc2faafd14e73, https://open.spotify.com/track/65fbHxPPnRGPXaGN3PtpXd?si=730838fad9f34c11)

And there is something even more beautiful about MUMBAI. The city which has always remained home, no matter where I go. Somehow going to Marine drive a millionth time is still more fun then going to the parks here. So here I come Mumbai, promise me you would be everything I have hoped for. A lot of traffic, a lot of pollution, and a lot of people. The super humid climate, the local trains, the beautiful rains. It is a special relationship, you know. I love you just the way you are!!! (https://open.spotify.com/track/6bodOYnNpT1YBztNdlBegr?si=14c560b259f34b8f or you could watch Wake Up Sid the 100th time.)

All this long chatter must have made you think that I hated my time in America.

But it definitely is not like that. If I had two versions of me, one of me would roam around and explore the whole world. Probably stay here forever. Earn a lot of dollars and work in the biggest of companies. Probably get a green card at some point. Would have a lovely house, with two kids and a dog playing in the backyard talking in their American accent and me probably running after them trying to make them say “hello” to all the relatives back in India. And I am telling you, that is a beautiful, beautiful dream. But since I have only one life and only one reality, I believe in choosing the easier path. Or the path which would definitely lead me to home.

You know, four years ago, I thought coming here was the hardest part. But now, as I think about packing my bags, and throwing away all my utensils, and selling off everything, I think this has to be the hardest thing I have ever done. It is the pain of bringing down the life that you have worked so hard to build. It is the pain of leaving so many friends, so many relationships behind. I have also understood, that coming here means different things to different people. For some, it means freedom, independence and for others, it means providing a better quality of life for their parents. And staying here is equally if not more harder than moving back.

To tell you honestly, I am shit scared. I have accepted a job which probably is much lower than my pay grade. But I am excited since it is a really small start up and I would get to interact with a lot of cool people. I am hoping it would be a lot of fun and a lot of learning. I am going to be living with my parents again, after this major bout of independence. I am not worried, really but yeah it is going to be different. I want to do a million things honestly. If I were to list all the things that I want to do, you probably would be worried for me. But that is one thing that has been America’s greatest gift to me. “Ambition”.

I grew up in a very typical upper middle class Gujarati family. While growing up, I don’t remember anyone asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up? If someone did, I don’t remember what I told them. I have no recollection of wanting to be anything in my childhood. But slowly, steadily, life had it’s own way of showing me what I could be. And today, I guess my biggest ambition is to be “somebody”. Somebody that wakes up everyday to work towards a goal. Somebody who lives a fulfilling life with a beautiful family. Somebody who wishes to have all kinds of experiences in life. Somebody who is always bettering herself.

The next 20 days are going to be about making sure I pause to take in the beautiful skies, to look at the beautiful memories, and also to do the million things I need to do before moving back. I always knew US has to be a chapter in my life, and not the whole book. But I did not know, it would be my favorite chapter, the chapter that I would love to revisit a million times.

And now that I am back on instagram after torturing myself for good two months, I hope you allow me a little spam. After all, I am sure you missed me as much as I missed you :))

Categories: Journal

Feya Shah

Living life one day at a time and on the side, telling you about it!