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Many times in the past month, people around me have asked me on various occasions, how does it feel? And I have never had an answer and I kept wondering why. Either I should be like really happy, or really sad or something, right? But the truth is I don’t feel anything. The biggest realization is that some changes in life don’t hit you in the face like a storm, in fact they feel more like a breeze, where every day is a new day, and you have no idea what to feel.

Life is not all black and white. Life is operating in gray constantly. Honestly, I have not felt completely happy or completely sad since a month and I don”t know if that’s okay or not. There have been some really good moments and then some bad moments.

Some good moments :

Diwali at home after 4 years (Fun fact : I realized I have never celebrated Diwali in the house we live in currently. We moved to this house in May 2019 and I moved to USA in August same year. Crazy, right? )

Birthday at home after 4 years.

A lot of good moments at work and I have started doing quite a lot apart from my work too, which is amazing and I am very proud of myself for pushing myself so much.

Proud of not skipping the gym. (Though eating a lot of fattening food, obviously)

A lot of good memories running through my head all the time. (the local train memories, the sukha bhel memories, the marine drive memories)

Some bad moments :

The infamous accident, I don’t think I have ever been more traumatized with any event in my life than this one. One of the few times in life, where I was like, Dude, what are you doing? This is heights. I am not that strong. Stop giving me so much to take on. It is not fair! Primarily, because this happened on my first Saturday after returning home. Literally, 5 days after landing in Mumbai.

One of the biggest realizations I have had after coming back (which I think anyone who is planning to come back should think about) is that all the relationships you had before moving, they have all moved on. I don’t know if everyone feels the same but this is what I have felt the most. If you are thinking, you will come back and all of your friends from before would be goddamn excited to have you back in their life that is probably not going to happen. Or at least it did not happen for me. People have grown up. They have so much to do, so many people in their life. It is very different from when you come back once a month a year and meet them once while you are here. Well, I have to also say that there is also a fair amount of cynicism and extra sensitivity on my end too. That has always been my case with friendships. Somewhere in my head, I don’t think I fully believe they are forever.

I guess, I am still in the same boat of uncertainty. Maybe one month is too early to judge, but I think I am going to have to develop thick skin and work very hard to create a life that I want here. Develop hobbies, immerse myself into work and build new friendships. My heart says in a few months, I am going to develop a f*** it attitude and do whatever the f*** I want. So if you see a single woman, watching a movie alone, or going to a series of dance workshops, or going to a bunch of cafes, going to meetup or music events, joining book clubs, learning new things, working on some cool things apart from the 9-5 thing, don’t creep out, lol.

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To my roommates:

• For tolerating me turning our bathroom to a swimming pool (because I would take hour long baths and dance in the shower while also compulsively changing the songs on my Bluetooth speaker, because I am just never satisfied with the YouTube suggestions).
• For not speaking to me in the mornings, and giving me my own sweet time to snap out of my “ugh I am annoyed it’s morning” mood. Between one of you brewing black coffee for 20 mins, and another making good old chaai, mornings in our house were pretty pleasant.
• For letting me sleep for a month every time I would come back from India.
• For sleeping with me on the floor when we didn’t have electricity for a week and for gossiping with me from midnight to 8 am.
• For being so excited about grocery shopping that I never had to take a look at any of the grocery shopping apps, to cooking all kinds of extravagant meals so that all I had to do was washing dishes.
• For being the first people I could think of when I could have used some strength, both of you in different times.
• For being there during the lows, and the highs. For celebrations, birthdays. For hosting parties. For wine and daaru nights. For so many Snapchat worthy memories. For not being roommates but in the truest sense of the word, friends.

However messy it may be, we didn’t just share an apartment, we built a home. A home where there was more laughter than tears. A home where small pet peeves didn’t get in the way of building a truly solid friendship. A home where you on most days, would find us, digging into some ice cream (or some cheesecake) bitching about the newest person we have a crush on or crying about how the previous one ended or gushing over how beautifully perfect relationship one of us is in.

To my neighbors in LA :

What do I say about these idiots?

• Thank you for accompanying me to the library for completing an assignment at midnight. Thank you for being my binging partner, whether it be horror movies, or shows where I keep forgetting the plot every time. Thank you for gossiping until the sun rises and taking long walks discussing everything and anything.
• Thank you for annoying the crap out of me. Waking me up while I am in the deep sleep zone, throwing my chappals anywhere and everywhere, and still continuing the annoyance without missing a beat.
• Thank you for being the smartest person in the group and still being the coolest person too. Tough to manage, no? From strangers to neighbors, from looking away to tolerating how much I talk, we came a long way.
• Thank you for always being there, through life’s ups and downs, for always being there to talk it out. For single handedly increasing my phone call durations. For accompanying me in impromptu trips.

If there was any semblance to having a family in US, it was these five idiots that I hung out with for those two years in graduate school. We really lived the F.R.I.E.N.D.S life.

I am super happy that the bond we shared has continued to grow, and is still a very big part of our life today. I know, life is going to change gears and we are all going to be very busy in different things, probably in different cities, in different parts of the world, but I know we are all one call away always.

I know whenever we would think of those two years, we would also think about the six of us. Casually hanging out, laughing at the same old jokes a million times, being there for assignments, interviews and everything in between. I know that picture of USC would be incomplete without our picture right next to it. I could not have asked for more!

To all the DJ Fam :

DJ, my undergrad college, was a fantastic place with a lot of fantastic people. Turns out I chose to not interact with most of them during my undergrad period. But I am glad we connected while at USC and then in Seattle and even in Cincy. Just the comfort of having known people around, made it so much easier, whether it be making plans, being part of large parties, game nights, birthday celebrations, or smaller convenience things like getting a wifi setup, which mattress to buy, etc.

A very, very, very special shoutout to one of my roommate’s boyfriend. You know, those friendships, where you don’t have to explain a ton, don’t have to speak everyday, but whenever you speak, you are back to exactly how you were. We had / have (not confirmed) one of those kind of friendships, which is thoda strange now that I think of, considering it was all rooted in being mean to each other (mostly to me). Thank you for giving me suggestions I never asked for. For bud light platinum, and mac book, and Sarabhai. Some of the coolest stuff!

To my bumble bee group :

Thanks for being the coolest chicks ever. I could have never imagined that a random connection, a random state fair day, could turn into the friendship that we have today. Thank you for being there in the most difficult times, for helping me navigate the worst crisis situations, for saying the most encouraging, the most sweetest things. For introducing me to a bunch of cool women, and for showing me how truly empowering girl friendships could be. You guys are the best! Anytime you come to India, in any corner, you have to tell me. We have to see each other every time y’all come.

To my “special” friends :

For teaching me the life lessons I never wanted to learn, haha. Okay, bad joke but I hope wherever you are, whatever you do in life, you are very, very happy. Happier than humanly possible. All said and done, a lot of my smiles were because of you.

To other kind people :

To my coworker at Amazon, who made life better by co-bitching about our team always. Hope to see you soon in Mumbai!

To a friend I met during my internship at Amazon, for the nice time I had in LA.

To a fellow flight traveler in Cincy who turned into a friend, by being the sweetest person. Helping me, a five foot person carrying so much luggage to my new place.

To all my girl friends in the infamous bachelorette, we didn’t get too much time after that, but I’ll always remember that weekend as the most hap girl time ever. Any time y’all are in India, hit me up. I promise you it will be a lot of fun!

To my manager, who is the sweetest boss (friend) one could ever ask for. With whom I have ranted about my boyfriend problems and discussed about bollywood movies (having an Indian wife helps). Who made Cincy bearable. Who I have embarrassed a lot by crying twice in front of. I hope you always stay happy. I am going to email you time and again, giving you updates about my new job, how the arrange marriage thing goes, the bollywood movies you have to watch, etc. Anytime y’all are in India, hit me up.

Okay, I guess I have rambled. Like always. Just documenting the love, you guys. I hope you all know I am going to miss the hell out of you. So miss me, okay?

I hope years later, the time we have spent together, comes in your top rated happy moments. I am competitive like that. I hope years later, when we are all 40, with some kids, and an annoyingly boring partner, we rethink of the time we were in our twenties, wondering how could we drink so much and how could we be so irresponsible and what the hell were we thinking. I hope years later, you still think of me as a good friend, who you couldn’t give enough gifts to, and could not appreciate enough, haha. See y’all soon, just on a different continent!

Acha chalti hoon, duaaon mein yaad rakhna!

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But as soon as I went in, things were different. I could not cry anymore considering you have to do all the checking in and boarding. Looking back, I think this journey does that to you. One minute you are crying and sad about leaving your country, and the other minute you realize how high the stakes are and you have to put up a good show if you want to win.

Since then, this journey has been filled with a solid amount of phenomenal ups and miserable downs.

I am happy to report that during my 2 years of Masters program, I was always doing some or the other odd jobs. Sometimes, sitting in a library, where my only job was to do some 3D printing. Sometimes, I would be grading students for a course I had no knowledge about. Sometimes, working as a software developer in C# for a college project and sometimes, developing a website on wordpress. You know, most of these jobs were not even closely related to how the real jobs would be, but they were so much fun. I had never felt the thrill of paying for my own expenses. It is crazy how pampered and sheltered I was, considering I never had a budget to work with. I have to tell you, those initial rushes of buying yourself a new phone, a new laptop, tickets to India, presents for everyone back in India, is delightful.

If you were to ask me, what the biggest take away from the 2 years at USC was, I would say, the fact that “anything can happen”. Literally, anything. The first instance of this, was when I won a mug at the USC orientation event. Yeah it seems trivial but I cannot tell you what it meant to me. It was like a lucky draw situation. And I won!! I have kept that mug with me till date (even after it fell and broke it’s handle). It is a reminder for me that you never know, anything could happen, literally anything. The second instance was when I got a summer internship at Amazon. I had just randomly applied, and I randomly got in. That internship turned to a full time job. I got a job which would make a difference to my resume and my life for years to come, only because one day I woke up, and said, what the heck, “Zyada se zyada kya karenge? Reject hi karenge na. It’s fine.”

After USC, I moved to Seattle. Lived around 1.5 years there. The biggest lesson in this time? I have learned that you cannot rely on anyone, but yourself. I moved to a city with a lot of known faces, but I realized friendship requires more than familiarity. I went to parties, gatherings, where I felt more alone than I used to feel inside my studio apartment. I never knew, I could feel like that. I realized that your closest friends, the kindest person you have ever known and the one true love of your life, can all leave you in a second. I guess we live in a world, where relying on other people is only going to lead you to disappointment. And where you want to live, US or India, could change who you spend your life with. I don’t really like the idea of making in health and in sickness promises, when we cannot even support life choices. We live in a generation like that, all believing that somehow our professional growth would cover for some heart breaks along the way. And I hope we are all right about that.

And guess who was with me through this whole time? My family, obviously, no points for guessing. They are always my first phone call, whether I am happier than I have ever been when I got a full time job offer, or I am crying hysterically after a break up. They are my first phone call when I am unable to sleep at 2 am and also, the only people in this whole wide world who I would dare to call at 5 am and wake them up from their deep sleep. They are the people I can be my worst version with.

You know, everyone living abroad misses family. And I know we miss them during Rakhi and Diwali, during Ganesh Chaturthi and Holi, and during birthdays, anniversaries and the other big moments. But no one really prepares you for how much you are going to miss them in the million tiny moments. You know, like when there is a big insect in your house and you are shit scared and are secretly hoping that your father would throw it out because all you have ever done in these situations is stand on top of the couch. Or like when you are in your periods and in incredible pain, and all you want is for your mother to make that liquid thingy that she used to prepare and give it to you. It is crazy, that one day you are just on a regular phone call with them, and you reminisce that trip your father took the whole family for, or that one comfort dish your mom makes and you start crying. You realize you miss these small moments the most. You know the kind of love, which can bring a small tear in your eyes, the kind of love, which is stronger than every other form of love you have ever known, it is difficult to live without a love like that.

I have realized that in life, there are good times and there are bad times. During the good times, when life is going your way, it does not really matter where you are or who you are with. But during the bad times, your heart wants to be around the people who are happy to be there for you, at your lowest, to see you at your weakest.

People are always convincing you, telling you that, life is too short. But I think, life is too long (as is this blog post). There are so many more big moments to miss. And countless small moments. This has been the single most crucial reason for this move. I want to be there for the big moments, like when my cousin is getting married, and I also want to be there for the small ones, like for every doctor visit of my parents, for telling my sister that she looks the prettiest whatever she wears. I guess what I am trying to say is, my heart is happier when it is close to my family. And I have realized in all this, that all you gotta do, is keep your heart happy. That is your only job. Keeping your heart happy.

One more thing that happened during these four years, a moment when I thought God paused everything else that he was doing and focused only on what I wanted, was when my grandmother expired. She was in severe pain. My parents weren’t even telling me how serious it really was. And when I did come to know, I cancelled my New York trip and flew back to India, making that decision in 20 minutes. I boarded the flight holding the NavkarVadi in my hand, praying that she stays for another 24 hours. Just hoping that I get to see her, once. When I reached Mumbai, I visited her in the hospital straight from the airport. She did not recognize me that time because of her medicines. Next night, we got her back home. She recognized me by my name, and then the following morning, held my hand while taking her last breath. I know this derailed into quite a sad story, but for me, this has to be hands down the one moment that I felt completely blessed. Only possible because I did not have to worry about an H1B visa stamp. Only possible because I still had all my freedom.

During the last eight months I have lived in a city where I did not know anyone. I realized what being alone in the truest sense of the word could feel like. And all I had, was family. An instance when I felt super lucky was when my parents and my sister got their US Visa. I can tell you, honestly, there is nothing that can make you feel prouder than that instant. From my father holding all our passports diligently before all flights we ever took, to me planning entire single thing of our trip, we did come a long, long way. After they went back to India, the last two months were tough. Waking up at 530 – 6 am, giving interviews, working and then studying for interviews has been extremely difficult. Especially because you don’t have a soul to talk to. Imagine realizing before you are about to sleep, that all you have talked today is on that video call with your parents, and you have not spoken apart from that the whole day. Now imagine, weeks like that. Again, only because you don’t get to choose where you work here. You are on a visa, remember? I have come to realize I need more freedom than this in life.

And that is something, I would like to point out. While life here is cool and amazing, it is very restrictive. Loads of paperwork, continuously worrying about your visa situation. And on a different note, sad to report, but men in 2023 are not all that different, honestly. Maybe it is not about men or women. But I guess what I would like to say is, I have the courage to drop everything and return back if it is about my or even for my partner’s family, but I don’t know if my partner would do that for me (considering my parents don’t really have a son they are going to live with). It is scary, right?

There is one more factor for this move though. There is something about that damn beautiful three color flag of ours, which I am super proud of. I believe in the Indian dream. I believe India is going to crush it in the next decade or so. I don’t think India would ever be America. Because it does not need to. It is amazing enough in its own way. (If you don’t believe me, here are some podcasts : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67E7TwHJBQg, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSIC07gP2Aw)You know, the pride when India achieves big things like developing COVID vaccines and enforcing lockdown on a population of 1.4 billion people or Chandrayaan 3, or the teeny tiny ritual of standing up to Jana Gana Mana before watching a movie in theatres, I always miss that. I miss being an Indian. There is something about it. (Also, some songs I absolutely love and sometimes hear to when I miss my country a lot : https://open.spotify.com/track/1WX7IIJnUgpDaweRefaih0?si=96cfe9bbb35f44c2, https://open.spotify.com/track/6H6BgDPTlfRpTQZNckbjlk?si=c1bdc2faafd14e73, https://open.spotify.com/track/65fbHxPPnRGPXaGN3PtpXd?si=730838fad9f34c11)

And there is something even more beautiful about MUMBAI. The city which has always remained home, no matter where I go. Somehow going to Marine drive a millionth time is still more fun then going to the parks here. So here I come Mumbai, promise me you would be everything I have hoped for. A lot of traffic, a lot of pollution, and a lot of people. The super humid climate, the local trains, the beautiful rains. It is a special relationship, you know. I love you just the way you are!!! (https://open.spotify.com/track/6bodOYnNpT1YBztNdlBegr?si=14c560b259f34b8f or you could watch Wake Up Sid the 100th time.)

All this long chatter must have made you think that I hated my time in America.

But it definitely is not like that. If I had two versions of me, one of me would roam around and explore the whole world. Probably stay here forever. Earn a lot of dollars and work in the biggest of companies. Probably get a green card at some point. Would have a lovely house, with two kids and a dog playing in the backyard talking in their American accent and me probably running after them trying to make them say “hello” to all the relatives back in India. And I am telling you, that is a beautiful, beautiful dream. But since I have only one life and only one reality, I believe in choosing the easier path. Or the path which would definitely lead me to home.

You know, four years ago, I thought coming here was the hardest part. But now, as I think about packing my bags, and throwing away all my utensils, and selling off everything, I think this has to be the hardest thing I have ever done. It is the pain of bringing down the life that you have worked so hard to build. It is the pain of leaving so many friends, so many relationships behind. I have also understood, that coming here means different things to different people. For some, it means freedom, independence and for others, it means providing a better quality of life for their parents. And staying here is equally if not more harder than moving back.

To tell you honestly, I am shit scared. I have accepted a job which probably is much lower than my pay grade. But I am excited since it is a really small start up and I would get to interact with a lot of cool people. I am hoping it would be a lot of fun and a lot of learning. I am going to be living with my parents again, after this major bout of independence. I am not worried, really but yeah it is going to be different. I want to do a million things honestly. If I were to list all the things that I want to do, you probably would be worried for me. But that is one thing that has been America’s greatest gift to me. “Ambition”.

I grew up in a very typical upper middle class Gujarati family. While growing up, I don’t remember anyone asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up? If someone did, I don’t remember what I told them. I have no recollection of wanting to be anything in my childhood. But slowly, steadily, life had it’s own way of showing me what I could be. And today, I guess my biggest ambition is to be “somebody”. Somebody that wakes up everyday to work towards a goal. Somebody who lives a fulfilling life with a beautiful family. Somebody who wishes to have all kinds of experiences in life. Somebody who is always bettering herself.

The next 20 days are going to be about making sure I pause to take in the beautiful skies, to look at the beautiful memories, and also to do the million things I need to do before moving back. I always knew US has to be a chapter in my life, and not the whole book. But I did not know, it would be my favorite chapter, the chapter that I would love to revisit a million times.

And now that I am back on instagram after torturing myself for good two months, I hope you allow me a little spam. After all, I am sure you missed me as much as I missed you :))

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Today, on some days, I still feel the need to make sure that I am not too ambitious. Because of course, doing good professionally is okay, wanting to have your own business sounds exciting, but all this has to take a back seat and the important thing at 26 is to find a guy and get married. I realize, this woman is still not a feminist.

That little girl, who was not good at sports or climbing trees, thought it was okay. Only guys could do that. I realize, that girl was never a feminist.

Today, when I am awful at driving, I think to myself, obviously, women are not naturally designed to be good at that. And I realize, this woman is still not a feminist.

When I was in school, I would refuse to put oil onto my hair. Hated my glasses. That girl wanted to look as beautiful as she could, in that school uniform. She thought all she had to do was to look pretty. I realize, that girl was never a feminist.

Just yesterday morning, I looked at my thighs and thought I should start cutting on my diet. Working vehemently towards the ideal body type. I realize, this woman is still not a feminist.

I once wore a dress, which was apparently too revealing. I could not say this is what I want to wear. I went in and changed. I realize, that girl was never a feminist.

This weekend, when I went for clubbing, I checked my neckline twice. And secretly hoped no one would judge me. Not realizing the first person who’s judging is the one in the mirror. I realize, this woman is still not a feminist.

You see, the woman I am right now, I am not very proud of. She is far off from what a woman in 2023 should be. But you know what, she is much better than that little girl.

In spite of not knowing what she wanted to do, she is doing okay. She loves the idea of marriage and kids, but also understands the concept of not attaching your worth to it.

Yeah, she does suck at driving. Because she was never taught to sit in the passenger seat and note how her father drives. The bad news is, she is not very good with cooking too. Because she wasn’t really taught to cook too. She realizes it is about what you are actually inclined towards and not something you can naturally be good at, just because you are a man or a woman.

She loves working out. Has signed up for a lot of workout classes and spent a lot of money and time towards it. But the idea is to be healthy and fit. To be able to carry her own bags, and lift life’s weight on her own shoulders.

Yes, she checks her outfit twice. But I swear, the second time is to check herself out. To see, how she gets to be this hot?! Re-enacting Pooh from K3G all the time.

Amongst the bigger things, there are a myriad small things. The little things we casually say. The little things we casually do. The little things we casually give up. It is a long journey but like it or not, we are on it.

Each day, each one of us, is fighting against the several decades of conditioning ingrained in all of our minds and each one of us is contributing, just by making choices, any kind of choices, no judgement. Each time you choose to be you, you help another woman be herself too.

You see, we are all getting better. We have said ‘Namaste’ very well for all our lives and we will continue to do so. But now, we are collectively getting better, at saying ‘F*** you’.

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Yeah, I was fine until then but I guess mums always know. Just by the look on your face, they know. And yeah, this is a very first world problem. Sitting in a beautiful urban studio apartment, in one of the most developed countries in the world, have a six figure salary, found a job even in the current economy, love the new job, have a lot of time to spare and maintain that work life balance perfectly, in fact my manager tells me to stop working if he catches me working post 5, so you see, overall everything is good. And just boredom, is reason enough to bring tears? Well, you would argue it should not be. But you cannot understand what it’s like when you wake up, go through an entire day, and realize that you only hear your own voice when you make a phone call to your family back in India.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my own company. As you would all agree, I am very entertaining. I can write a book about what all I think about everyday. In fact, if you are in my life, I am sure I have thought about some parallel life scenario with you and have wondered how it would have played out, for sure. (I promise this is not as creepy as it sounds) My mind is funny, keeps me occupied all the time. And I am good at spending time with myself, I really am. But the fact is, sometimes, it does get to you.

Just the thought of oh it is a whole weekend, the following two days, what am I going to do? The idea of spending two whole days in that bed because you have no real friends in this new city, is dreadful. I thought if I go on trips (which I have been doing a lot recently, as y’all have noticed) it would be okay. But the thing is, one weekend trip does not solve the loneliness you feel for all the upcoming weekends.

Then, of course, the other part of me, my best friend (it is just the wiser version of me), who pulls me out of these spirals, said hello! She said, if you do not want a particular outcome, you have to put energy and effort in changing it. And this became one of the few times when I did end up listening to my wiser self, and for that I am grateful.

So, the next day, I suddenly woke up at 6 AM and rsvp’d to the meetup events I was debating whether to go or not. It was an urban hike. Yeah, sounds fancy, it was basically a walk in the city. Hike because the neighborhood we were walking in, was Mt Adams! It was so much fun. Walked for around 2.5 hours. Met and talked to around 10 new people. Had lunch with a few of them. Hopefully, going to go for hikes or volunteering events with a few of them. The crazy thing is, you never know. A hello, a random meeting, could make someone a very important person in your life, well, at least I have witnessed that multiple times now. A few random girls I met through Bumble BFF are people I am going on trips now. A random girl, sitting next to me on the flight to Cincy, is the one I would play Holi with in the coming week, would meet multiple times, and well plan on going to a Strawberry Festival with. Hopefully, I will follow through and keep in touch with at least some of these people.

Saturday ended with Dahi Puri, Dabeli and Rose Falooda. Yeah, I remember, I said I am trying to lose weight, maybe from Monday?

Again, the dreadful Sunday comes along. You would think a day with people and 25K steps would make sure Sunday would be brighter and nicer. But you wake up, and you find yourself going again into a spiral. It has not helped. I let a few moments pass and tell myself everything would be nice if you just took a bath, and did your laundry. And was I right? I WAS. Just not judging the moment, and letting it go away helped. This is again, something that Jay Shetty always says. “Don’t Judge The Moment.” Came in handy. And somehow, I was back to my dancing self in like 30 minutes.

Decided I do not want to spend the day at home, doing nothing. I walked to a local Starbucks near me, caught a movie “Love Again” starring the boss lady herself PC, crying and being hopeful about love, and then reading a book and writing this blog.

I have grown to understand that you can almost never change how you are feeling, but sometimes, maybe sometimes, there is a chance of changing what you are doing about it.

To all my friends, who will read this and might possibly be like, oh god, I hope you are okay or like really, this is what she’s feeling? Either way, I have to tell you. I am okay. Okay to not be okay. And I am coping. I have recognized not having company out of choice is very different than not having company at all. Some nights I wonder, if I was ever grateful when I had all the company I could ever need? I wonder if I ever thought to myself, when I was back in India, and I was sleeping in a room with both my parents and my little sister, what a wonderful gift this is! But then again, I know when I am 80 years old, and I do not really have anyone who is interested in knowing what I have to say, I will be good at being with myself. I will be good at finding things to do, finding hobbies, finding interests.

I have all my meals alone, walk all my walks alone, watch all movies alone, go to Starbucks alone, and sometimes, there is no beauty in that. Other times, I cook pancakes which are burnt, shaped like a country’s map, and still choose to have them. I get to listen to birds on my walks. I watch embarrassing movies or the same movie a million times, and cry after the same scene for the millionth time and do not rub off or control my tears, you see it is liberating. I go to Starbucks and just sit there watching random youtube videos during people watching. And there has to be a lot of beauty in that.

Anyway, I have rambled on and on. Hope you had a wonderful weekend, and if not, well, now you know, it is not necessary to have one!

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The company that I work for, has an office in New York. As soon as I landed, I had to go there. They were supposed to get me lunch, so I had good motivation to go there. Traveling for the first time on New York subways is a task. And on top of that, I had the wrong address. I traveled to the wrong part of the city and had to get back on the subway to get to the correct address. So basically, my first 1-1.5 hours were just on Subways. After finally getting to the office, they saved up some lunch for me. It was good, I worked for a while and then left at 5 to finally begin exploring the city.

With all my experience planning trips in NYC, I had not planned anything or booked anything in terms of sightseeing or exploring the city. I was going to just go by the mood. Which is sometimes a little scary, when you have so much pressure of being in the most happening city in the world.

On Friday when I reached there, after leaving the office, I decided to just explore the area around. I saw some cool buildings. I saw the Flatiron Building which looked pretty cool. Had a slice of pizza (which you have to have when in New York) followed up with ice cream. I did the “Friends experience” thing. It was so much fun. Super super (keeping the two supers even when Grammarly tells me not to) nostalgic. That show, which spanned over 10 years but for me, it was more like 2-3 months was probably the first English show I have ever seen. I used to think that I won’t be able to relate to English shows and movies and watching this show did change that. I loved the show. The friendship among the six stars is so heartwarming. Got some cool pictures with Hugsy, the Pivot couch, and other memorable stuff from the best episodes. Post that, I visited Washington Square Park and it was a very fun visit. If you are lucky you can see the spiderman person who was pretty cool. I explored the area around Chelsea Market. Towards the end of the day, I was very tired. Had walked around 17-18k steps. So I decided to watch a movie lol. Tu Jhooti Main Makaar – the Ranbir Kapoor one. I have been wanting to watch that movie since it was released. This is the cool thing about solo trips. You can do whatever the hell you want, whenever you want.

The next morning, I started the day with a bagel. It was amazing. Apart from how busy pick-a-bagel was. I finally realized what the struggle is behind solo trips. The place was extremely busy. No one to give you recommendations. Ordered what I wanted, and then there was no one who would have reserved a table, obviously. I found a table outside. As soon as I sat there, I realized I have forgotten to take the tissues. And one thing to know about me, I do not eat without tissues, lol. When I went to take the napkins and finally managed to come back through the crowd, I realized there is no straw for the coffee. It had flown away. Following the 30-second rule and the fact that I cannot go and get a straw again, I decided to use that one. But you get the picture, that is me, wasting 10 minutes just to get started with eating. This is the real struggle.

I spent the whole day exploring the city. Roamed around Central Park, and saw all the famous spots, basically all places that SRK had posed at. The park is enormous. There are horse carriages to carry you around the park, but it is super expensive. Walked through the Brooklyn Bridge, and saw the park there. It was magical. Saw the empire state building, bull statue, and the fearless girl statue in the financial district. There was a place, Dumbo, which had a very cool view of the bridge. Throughout the day, I had Ramen which was amazing. Post that, I had cheesecake and wine. Going into a cafe and ordering wine and cheesecake without any food is awkward but who cares. It was superrrrr yummm!!!

Post that I went to the place I was anticipating the most, TIMES SQUARE!!! I have to tell you, it was the most overwhelming feeling at that moment. To think of what all you have been through, what all you have lived through, how many times you have wanted to see this place, it all seems overwhelming. I combined all this overthinking with a couple of women empowerment songs in my ears, and I started crying. As you can see, it is not very difficult for me to start crying. There was a Bollywood night near Times Square which I did want to go to. I had no one to go with of course but I still wanted to go because I love dancing, and it had been a while since I had listened to Hindi songs in a club. So I thought, worst case, people watching in a night club, does not sound that bad, right? But well, it was really nice. I made some friends and danced with a random group of people which was a lot of fun. I reached the hostel at 3 AM. That ride back in the cab was amazing. One of the most memorable nights. I am going to remember this for a very long time!!

If you ride at 3 AM with the windows down for good 20 minutes in cold weather, you can be sure of getting a cold the next day. It did not strike me the previous night, unfortunately. The next day, I woke up really late, with a very bad headache and cold. I went and saw a Broadway show. Visited the Friends Apartment. This was my first Broadway show ever. CHICAGO!! It was amazing. A lot of fun. Then, I made the bad decision of trying out the Dominique Ansel Bakery. It was a 30-40 mins wait. We were given hand warmers in the line, imagine. And it was not that good. Everything on Instagram does not taste as good as it looks. Post that, some Indian dinner, and I was done for the day.

It was Monday, and I was working. It is a new job and I did not want to take any leaves this early. I worked the whole day. Went on a welcome lunch with my teammates which was a lot of fun. Thai Villa – super amazing and yummy food!! So basically, post that, I went to one of the observatories – Edge NYC. I saw the sunset there and it was so amazing. Got a glass of champagne to toast to the sunset and to the trip in general. It was again, one of those overwhelming moments. It has an outdoor deck which is very cool. Usually, when you go to these observatories, you take a ton of pictures of whoever you are visiting with and then that’s all. Since that was not a thing I could do, I just stared at the sunset and the whole of NYC and it was very cool. Post that, I just saw the “Vessel” building, which looked pretty cool. Also, met a friend at a rooftop bar which was also fun. Finally got a picture with the Empire State Building.

Tuesday, was my last day. I had a flight out at 6 PM. I decided to do some small last minute things. Went to have a dosa in the middle of Washington Square Park. It was really good. Run by a Sri Lankan man. Very limited options though. I never realized that the cup had Sambhar until the end lol. Then I did the Roosevelt Island Tramway thing. A 4 minute ride which was very cool. Visited the High Line park and the Grand Central Terminal. Trust me to cross off everything on my list before taking a flight out. It took me so long to finally reach the airport and I was worried whether I will reach the airport on time. I reached at 4:45 PM. Pretty close. And I was very sick by then. I have a cold and a sore throat. The air hostess felt super bad for me and was trying to offer me hot water, snacks, or something. And of course, the story does not end here. United forgot my bag in Newark. I waited fro 30-45 minutes only to hear that the bag is still in Newark. By the time I reached home I was half dead. The bag was delivered today though, so overall a happy ending.

So, overall, NYC is beautiful, busy, and bustling. Very very similar to Mumbai. I love, love, love the city. Hopefully, there are many more visits to New York because there is so much to see in this city. I was overwhelmed at several moments. The big city, hundreds of people roaming around on the streets, the crowded subways, and millions of places to eat, probably can get anyone overwhelmed. Especially, if you are alone on a solo trip listening to beautiful women empowerment songs. Looking forward to a lot more trips!

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There was a girl, sitting next to me. we started talking. I told her how I was going to Cincinnati for the first time. Was moving from Seattle and that I did not know anything about the city or did not know anyone from the city. I was listening to my music and suddenly, after some time, I see her scribbling something on her notepad. I did not quite get what she was writing. After a while, I asked her what she was writing and she replied saying she is making a list of places for me to eat from and things to do in Cincinnati. I mean, I told her that I really appreciate it. She left her phone number on there and was like if you ever want to hang out or something, let me know. It did not end there. She waited for me while I was trying to get my bags and get out of the airplane. We walked together to the baggage claim area. She asked me how are you going to get home? And I was just going to get a cab (which would have been very expensive). Her mom was going to come pick her up, and she insisted that they can drop me off. I said no several times but she kept insisting and she said it is not a problem. She and her mom, the sweetest people I have ever met, they dropped me (and my three big bags, one cabin bag and one backpack) off to my apartment. This goes down in history as the sweetest thing any stranger has ever done for me. Just look at how sweet the list was and also my cute apartment!

I was greeted by a fleet of stairs because I chose the first floor studio. I thought it would be safer if it would not be on the ground floor. But of course, I did not think how difficult it would be to carry all my stuff upstairs. Fun fact : A few days later, post returning from work, I was greeted with five big packages that I had couriered here (along with the mattress). I went upstairs without touching the bags and started crying (of course, that is the first thing that I do anytime anything happens). After 10-15 minutes of self pity, I went downstairs and rolled over the luggage up the stairs. I have realized that about me recently. I need to cry it out and absorb and be overwhelmed for a while and once I am done, I am good to go. Apart from that, there is a hot water problem. Don’t want to go into too much details but I have 16 mins to take a hot bath everyday. And if you know me at all, it is unacceptable. It was funny. When the leasing office said that’s all they can do, I started roaming around in the community, interviewing other people about the hot water situation. They said, yeah, you just have to work your way around it. I thought about moving but it did not make sense considering this is how it is in the entire town. Also, I had not ordered my mattress for quite some time, I created my bed with the three blankets I had (considering I lost my pillow too while boarding the flight). And of course, the grocery store is too far. Started ordering groceries online.

Now that I have listed all my problems, I also have to say, it is beautiful too. I go on walks and I feel so good. Breathing all the good oxygen in, basically you can meditate anywhere. There is a gym too. Been there twice. Hopefully, will go more the coming week. I am going through this phase, the “I’ll do it from tomorrow” phase. I saw ducks in the neighborhood. Very pet friendly. A lot of cute dogs. Beautiful sunsets, and a hell lot of sunshine.

Coming to the new job, it is very different. It is a super small startup and they are still growing their team here (which means it is just me and my manager for now :p). They gifted me two small baskets with fruits and some cute snacks, which was good. Post that, I got a call from the recruiter, saying that my manager has a family emergency and he won’t be able to come to the office. So, he will drop off the laptop and the keys to the office at my apartment :p You can imagine how weird it is to open the office and let yourself in on your first day. But I had to go since I had no wifi in my house till then. But otherwise, other people are good, very sweet. Work is challenging. It is in Go. A language that I am not familiar with at all. There are just 20 people in the company, so I guess there is a lot of workload coming my way. All prepped for it

On the friends side, I went to a meetup event. It was cool apart from the fact that everyone was super old compared to me. They celebrated Mardigras. That’s when I learned about it. And I learned that they get a cake with a small plastic baby in it. And the person who finds the baby is said to have good luck and has to bring the cake for the next year. Very interesting. Also, I joined a “Jain” group in Cincinnati. We had a meetup yesterday. We were 9 people and we went for bowling. It was fun. I have got better at bowling it seems. And I was happy because I guess this is the second time I have seen Indians here (The first was when I went to get a Subway and the server there was from Kalol, Gujarat). I guess, the group will keep meeting probably once in a month or so. Also, I kept in touch with the friend from the flight. In fact, we went for lunch and ice cream (after the two pints of ice cream I ate since my friend from Seattle sent it to me as a token of good luck for the new job) today and it was amazing. She is super impressive. Apparently reads like 425 books in a year (that’s what her Kindle says). She knows so much about the city and wants to be a writer. In fact, we are probably going to meet for Dungeons & Dragons (only heard about in shows as of now) because she wants to get ideas about her characters through the game. Super interesting!

Apart from all this, I think I have to admit I have loved spending so much time with myself over the last 10 days. I think I am pretty used to being on my own. I actually love it on most days. I have loved every bit of it here. Danced several times in the house, watched comedy movies, unpacking, long walks, getting food by myself. Everything has been amazing! There is something special about new beginnings. They give you a chance to redefine who you are, think and walk in a different direction. I guess I was too scared to be here and in the middle of it, I did not gather how exciting this journey could be. I am looking forward to exploring the city, meeting different people and living the kind of life, where I go for walks and hear little birds chirping and making my day!

The post It has been good 10 days in Cincy! appeared first on Life Experiences.

During my usual instagram scrolling last night, I came across this reel made on a quote from I think the movie Namesake (could have looked but I am too lazy). The quote goes like this :

“In the end, the whole of life becomes the art of letting go. What hurts the most is when you do not take a moment to say goodbye.”

So, here’s me, saying goodbye to you Seattle. I am writing this from the security check line at the airport. After managing all the overweight baggage, I have finally reached the security check line. The line is huge and I am scared I won’t get the time to post or write about this later since it only makes sense to do so when I am still here. Technically, still in Seattle.

I have lived around 1.5 years in this city and I have to tell you I have enjoyed every moment of it. Every single day. It has been amazing. Right from the start, I knew so many people, it immediately felt like home. I lived alone for the first time in a studio apartment and I cannot tell you the kind of freedom I felt doing that. If you have never stayed alone, you should try it. At midnight, when you are hungry and want to eat a bag of chips, you are not scared of judgement. Also, so much space for dancing. Big consideration for me. Also, you can take as long baths as you want. Pretty important, right? Of course, there are days of irrational fears and too silent nights as well but overall, it is a good feeling.

The best thing about Seattle is that everyone is in tech, almost everyone is working as a software developer or is working in a tech company, the probability of becoming friends and gelling with people is extremely high. I made a surreal amount of new friends. I found the people in Seattle to be very very friendly, open and warm. Weirdest encounters have led to nice friendships. I have made friends while selling furniture and in an elevator too.

One thing to definitely do is try Bumble BFF. The best thing ever! I met the nicest people through this app. It feels weird to imagine people that I met through an app were my biggest support system throughout these years. It was a strong girl gang, full of super strong, self dependent, best friend cum potential therapist kind of women. Through the various ups and downs, we stuck together. And I will always be grateful for the fateful day I decided to get on this app and use it.

Seattle has a variety of classes teaching anything and everything ranging from Bollywood (my favorite), pole dancing, aerial yoga and Tai chi (to be tried). Do try them out. And the meetup events they are amazing. Joined a book club, which inspired me to read and I have read a lot of books post that. Participated in a startup event, in which our team won the competition. Pretty cool.

If you don’t drink coffee, after landing in Seattle you will. You definitely will. There is free coffee everywhere. I got free coffee in both my office and my first home. And every few blocks, there is some coffee shop or Starbucks. First Starbucks will always remain special. Starbucks reserve is crazy. I had formed this bad habit of having coffee regularly at this place called “Fulcrum”. It is pretty good.

Basically, if you are in Seattle, the chances of meeting new people, doing new things is pretty good. You can go out and do as many weird things as you want to and the best part is, most likely you will find someone to do it with you! For me, I made a ton of new friends and relived memories with my old friends as well. I tried new cuisines (Ramen, Ethiopian and stuff) and then defaulted to milk and bread too. There is something very special between being able to switch between new experiences and old memories which is very comforting.

People complain about the weather. The weather is gloomy and cold. Super unpredictable. Today morning was my final day, and just as I was about to leave, it started raining. I like to think Seattle cried a little for me, like she is going to miss me as much as I am going to miss her. There is something very sad about seeing the house you once lived in completely empty. (Yeah, I am very dramatic) See you very soon, Seattle! Keep my friends safe and happy till then. Until next time!

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So, after all the job related drama (https://myreallifeversion.com/never-have-i-ever-been-laid-off/), I was convinced I needed a celebratory / relaxing trip. I needed to get out and just relax for a few days before beginning the new job. So, as always, I started looking up for places to go. I have been binge watching on this show called “Gilmore Girls” (watching it the second time actually) and that show is about a single mother and her daughter. It is a fun show based in a fictional town called “Stars Hollow”. While watching that show, I figured I wanted a vacation like that. In a small town, away from the city. The other things to consider were : closer to the west coast, walkable and overall needs to be fun. And that’s how I landed with “Santa Fe”. I watched a couple of videos on youtube and it seemed cool, so that’s it I booked the tickets and was all set.

It was a three day trip and boy, what fun these three days were. So firstly, there is no direct flight from Seattle to Santa Fe, you have to take a connecting fight from Phoenix. Only way to get there. And the only reasonably good flight was the 5:12 AM flight from Seattle which would land at 10:45 AM in Santa Fe. To reach the airport at 3:30 AM, a normal person would sleep at like 10-11 and would get up by 2. But that’s not me. I did not sleep the entire night, obviously and then proceeded to walk through the airport like a zombie. The journey was adventurous from forgetting the second boarding pass in the kiosk, running to get it and standing in the security check line twice, getting black coffee which was surprisingly not that bad after the first sip, getting three seats to sleep (which is all I need considering I am 5’1”) and still not managing to doze off even for a minute to realizing that I have only a 30 min layover in Phoenix which means this flight better lands on time. But well, everything worked out and I did reach Santa Fe in one piece. I forgot to mention I watched this movie a couple of days ago “Runway 34” since there was nothing else to watch which is about a pilot saving the airplane from a crash. Not a good idea if you are going to go on a solo trip a few days later.

So, sorry for derailing, but I did land in Santa Fe, and the airport, well here it is. To say, that this was one of the smallest airports I have ever seen is a big deal, since I have seen some crazy small airports, like Jomsum / Pokhara airport. It was cute in an old charming way.

On my cab ride from the airport to my hotel, had a super fun chat with Dexter, the cab driver. He warned me about headaches because Santa Fe is 7500 ft above sea level and he told me to keep drinking water. I did ignore all warnings because that is just what I do. The city was beautiful and sunny. The whole of Santa Fe follows the Adobe style of architecture. This architecture helps the houses to remain cold in summer and warm in winter. I would have never ever believed there is a town like this in US. It is crazy, a completely different experience. At this point, I was very tired and was hoping to get an early check-in. The hotel people were nice and just gave me the keys. I was hoping to sleep for a couple of hours, but could not for some reason.

I got lunch after that. Enchiladas. But they serve a dessert with it. Pico bread with honey. It is a triangle shaped bread filled with a sugarish stuffing. It was good, not too sweet at all and different. (Just added sugarish in my dictionary. It is good to think you can make your own words). The only thing I regretted was having a drink with it. Because, Dexter was right, severe headache. I had booked my tickets to an art experience so I had to go there but that was it for me for that day. Reached hotel, got some medicines to be door dashed, and slept. Oh, forgot to share pictures of the immersive art experience – Meow Wolf. It was pretty cool.

So as you can imagine, I did not do too much on the first day. For the second day, I had something really relaxing planned. A whole day at the Spa! Yes, I heard of this really fun Spa resort “Oja Santa Fe“, and I was very excited to do this. I thought this would be perfect for the kind of vacation I was hoping for. Soaked in a hot tub for almost an hour, got a massage done, enjoyed the steam room. Talked to random people in the tub as well. Fun. Relaxing and very beautiful. It almost started snowing. Apart from that, I got to meet some “Silkie Chickens”. Apparently, they are not good enough to be raised for meat. But they are very cute. I picked one up too. The first time I did, she flapped her wings and rejected me outright. Second time was better. Got a very bad picture clicked but it was fun. They also have a puppy area, where they have all these cute puppies and rescue dogs which are up for adoption and some petting too. There was one rescue dog who was so scared and timid and I got him finally letting me touch him when the owner was near. Then there were four very energetic puppies who chewed on everything. My jacket, cap, the spa id, everything. Saw some ducks too. So pretty cool. Also, ended up doing a jigsaw puzzle for some reason. I love puzzles. This one had a very beautiful question on top of it “When storms come, what anchors you?”

So I spent a whole day there. One of the best things I could do. To top it off, I went for the sunset view at “Cross of the Martyrs.” By the time I reached there, it was already dark and it was snowing beautifully. I cannot tell you how I felt at the top there. It felt as if it is snowing only for me. Took some really cute videos and pictures. Headed to the hotel room back and called it a night.

The third day, well, this was supposed to be the day I just walked around town. My hotel was really close to the Santa Fe downtown plaza. I went around a few sights. Loretto Chapel, which has this stairway an engineering marvel, two 360 degree turns without any central support. Read more about their story here. The St. Francis Cathedral which was beautiful. Some really cool art galleries. Kakawa Chocolate House where I had a chocolate flight with whipped cream on the side. Never heard of such a thing. The flavors on the extreme were nice. Not a big fan of nutmeg or unsweetened chocolate. How is it even chocolate if it not sweet at all? Ugh. The oldest house and church in USA exists in Santa Fe. Too much history. In the oldest house, there is a coffin which has a headless skeleton. Some really spooky story of two witches cutting off the head of a guy, when he complained about the love potion that the witches gave him. Weird. The church has an enormous bell which you cannot ring. Also, visited some stores and museums in the downtown area. There is just so much art to look at. Talked to a woman who makes these dolls for her living. It takes her a few hours to make one. Very pretty in their native attire. Carrying babies for some reason. There is also a lot of pottery culture here. They make a design which is called three feather design. The three feathers are for blessing, healing and protection. The clouds depict the rain and the cross depicts love. Made a final trip to the plaza. After sitting there for a while, I noticed the decorations were just made of red chillies. Weird. Overall, a very fun day. Good food, better wine, and very beautiful sunshine day. Finally managed to get some cool pictures of me too.

So, overall, I am very happy I took this decision. Cleared my head and was the perfect vacation for me. I am really glad I took this call. Took the whole “Aisa mauka shayad pher kabhi na mile!” quite seriously. Because well you will always be able to go to NYC, LA, Miami but towns like these are rare to visit and that makes it so much better. It is special. I was back to Seattle yesterday night but I’ll miss you Santa Fe. I’ll miss the place, but more than the place, the people. The cab driver who warned me about the headaches, the second cab driver who told me he got so burnt out with the city thing, he moved here and now goes to learn tango every week. The old lady in the hot tub who has two houses, one in Texas and one in Santa Fe. Comes here every few months. The art gallery owner who had an Indian girlfriend who he dated for three-four years but never got to marry her. The two ladies in the church, one of them who visited India and had been to Mumbai, the other who had a grand son called “Arjun” and thinks it is a fascinating story. The hotel owner who refunded a small amount of the hotel because I complained of mosquitoes (even after me insisting to pay him back) and also told me how this was all a part of Mexico and how everything is cheap there. And the grand mother on my return flight who loved the language I spoke on the phone (Gujarati), was in back to back surgeries for 22 months, was super proud of her grand daughter “Nayeli” who secured a 75000$ university grant. Is it not wonderful? When you are open to listening, people tell you such beautiful stories.

I think every place you visit leaves you with a little more character and a little more wonder on how people live their lives. Please, please take a solo trip once if you can. It is scary, and could be boring, but you get to know so much about people, about the place, and about yourself too, if you pay close enough attention.

Signing off until next time. I hope you have a beautiful, beautiful day and if you are about to sleep, think of all the wonderful places in the world, that you are yet to see, yet to experience.

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