So, it has been a little over a month since I moved back to Mumbai and I thought I should write it out. So gear up, for another long story lol.

Many times in the past month, people around me have asked me on various occasions, how does it feel? And I have never had an answer and I kept wondering why. Either I should be like really happy, or really sad or something, right? But the truth is I don’t feel anything. The biggest realization is that some changes in life don’t hit you in the face like a storm, in fact they feel more like a breeze, where every day is a new day, and you have no idea what to feel.

Life is not all black and white. Life is operating in gray constantly. Honestly, I have not felt completely happy or completely sad since a month and I don”t know if that’s okay or not. There have been some really good moments and then some bad moments.

Some good moments :

Diwali at home after 4 years (Fun fact : I realized I have never celebrated Diwali in the house we live in currently. We moved to this house in May 2019 and I moved to USA in August same year. Crazy, right? )

Birthday at home after 4 years.

A lot of good moments at work and I have started doing quite a lot apart from my work too, which is amazing and I am very proud of myself for pushing myself so much.

Proud of not skipping the gym. (Though eating a lot of fattening food, obviously)

A lot of good memories running through my head all the time. (the local train memories, the sukha bhel memories, the marine drive memories)

Some bad moments :

The infamous accident, I don’t think I have ever been more traumatized with any event in my life than this one. One of the few times in life, where I was like, Dude, what are you doing? This is heights. I am not that strong. Stop giving me so much to take on. It is not fair! Primarily, because this happened on my first Saturday after returning home. Literally, 5 days after landing in Mumbai.

One of the biggest realizations I have had after coming back (which I think anyone who is planning to come back should think about) is that all the relationships you had before moving, they have all moved on. I don’t know if everyone feels the same but this is what I have felt the most. If you are thinking, you will come back and all of your friends from before would be goddamn excited to have you back in their life that is probably not going to happen. Or at least it did not happen for me. People have grown up. They have so much to do, so many people in their life. It is very different from when you come back once a month a year and meet them once while you are here. Well, I have to also say that there is also a fair amount of cynicism and extra sensitivity on my end too. That has always been my case with friendships. Somewhere in my head, I don’t think I fully believe they are forever.

I guess, I am still in the same boat of uncertainty. Maybe one month is too early to judge, but I think I am going to have to develop thick skin and work very hard to create a life that I want here. Develop hobbies, immerse myself into work and build new friendships. My heart says in a few months, I am going to develop a f*** it attitude and do whatever the f*** I want. So if you see a single woman, watching a movie alone, or going to a series of dance workshops, or going to a bunch of cafes, going to meetup or music events, joining book clubs, learning new things, working on some cool things apart from the 9-5 thing, don’t creep out, lol.

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Feya Shah

Living life one day at a time and on the side, telling you about it!