There are times I wake up and go back to my 16 year old self. That girl had already decided how her wedding will look like, but had no clue what she wanted to do in life. I realize, that girl was never a feminist.

Today, on some days, I still feel the need to make sure that I am not too ambitious. Because of course, doing good professionally is okay, wanting to have your own business sounds exciting, but all this has to take a back seat and the important thing at 26 is to find a guy and get married. I realize, this woman is still not a feminist.

That little girl, who was not good at sports or climbing trees, thought it was okay. Only guys could do that. I realize, that girl was never a feminist.

Today, when I am awful at driving, I think to myself, obviously, women are not naturally designed to be good at that. And I realize, this woman is still not a feminist.

When I was in school, I would refuse to put oil onto my hair. Hated my glasses. That girl wanted to look as beautiful as she could, in that school uniform. She thought all she had to do was to look pretty. I realize, that girl was never a feminist.

Just yesterday morning, I looked at my thighs and thought I should start cutting on my diet. Working vehemently towards the ideal body type. I realize, this woman is still not a feminist.

I once wore a dress, which was apparently too revealing. I could not say this is what I want to wear. I went in and changed. I realize, that girl was never a feminist.

This weekend, when I went for clubbing, I checked my neckline twice. And secretly hoped no one would judge me. Not realizing the first person who’s judging is the one in the mirror. I realize, this woman is still not a feminist.

You see, the woman I am right now, I am not very proud of. She is far off from what a woman in 2023 should be. But you know what, she is much better than that little girl.

In spite of not knowing what she wanted to do, she is doing okay. She loves the idea of marriage and kids, but also understands the concept of not attaching your worth to it.

Yeah, she does suck at driving. Because she was never taught to sit in the passenger seat and note how her father drives. The bad news is, she is not very good with cooking too. Because she wasn’t really taught to cook too. She realizes it is about what you are actually inclined towards and not something you can naturally be good at, just because you are a man or a woman.

She loves working out. Has signed up for a lot of workout classes and spent a lot of money and time towards it. But the idea is to be healthy and fit. To be able to carry her own bags, and lift life’s weight on her own shoulders.

Yes, she checks her outfit twice. But I swear, the second time is to check herself out. To see, how she gets to be this hot?! Re-enacting Pooh from K3G all the time.

Amongst the bigger things, there are a myriad small things. The little things we casually say. The little things we casually do. The little things we casually give up. It is a long journey but like it or not, we are on it.

Each day, each one of us, is fighting against the several decades of conditioning ingrained in all of our minds and each one of us is contributing, just by making choices, any kind of choices, no judgement. Each time you choose to be you, you help another woman be herself too.

You see, we are all getting better. We have said ‘Namaste’ very well for all our lives and we will continue to do so. But now, we are collectively getting better, at saying ‘F*** you’.

Categories: Writing

Feya Shah

Living life one day at a time and on the side, telling you about it!